“I hit the board with my fist. It was on fire!” Says Molly. We were about to climb down from our fighting stances, when we hear Molly’s aunt, Layla fussing, “Da pho is the Gigantic A hole Alien Babasaur Adventure?”
He’s asking, “Your fist or the board?”
“After the Grape Queen comes, to do the white sock test. Yes…”
The Alien Babasaur growls, “…But not you, lady!”
Miss Dehr Whyte chuckles, sits down to read her comic book. “Play nice, sir! The doors have been unlocked since I walked the girls in.”
“Asshole!” The woman stomping out of the greenhouse screams, “All I did was ask…” and sobs, “…And, he said, “Shut up Elizabeth and I didn’t know what to do.
I hate you.”
Trying her best to comfort the distraught portly middle aged woman made up like a glow in the dark Sally Shock, while fighting back a painful, knee bending, fall on your face guffaw, “If you could climb all over your sweaty…” Says the sobbing woman’s girlfriend to Portia. “…No, bitch. Shut the fuck up! You lost your shit. She lost her shit! Ooh! I want one! She went completely Karen in front of those little girls over there. Not bad ass, vampire curing Black Karen. White, I’m calling the Police, Karen. Over a fuckin’ bounce house.”
Porsche’s reading the sign the girls are carrying away,
“WARNING!
Extra Extraterrestrial Grandfather Dinosaur. Royal Cleaner of the Bouncy Castle. Next Bouncy Castle Way over there. PLEASE TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES. I made it holy.
To ride this back, you have to be a universally recognized avatar of the God that I believe in. Or, NOT more than 1 meter (33.3 inches tall.)
*See owner for exclusions, exceptions and exemptions to the above rules. Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
Pointing at the sandwich board blocking the path to the Bouncy Castle, “Apparently, the most funnest ride in the park.” Portia laughs, “Really, in this day and age? Like, Shut Up! Elizabeth!” She roars, “All macho and stuff. Hmm?”
Her friend says, “I’m so embarrassed, I thought I’d never use the word THOT again in life. But youza hoe. They were right to whoop her ass. Let’s go! You’re so lucky that big sexy redhead stopped them. That little girl with the minifigures in her pigtails was about to go Black Karen on yo ass ‘bout that old man.”
Layla barks, “Molly! What old man?”
Portia hushes, “Molly! Yea. Well she’s been through some shit that’ll toughen you up. Quick. Drone Granddad was real.”
We hear the offended lady whaling, “It’s not funny, Asshole! My name just so happens to be Elizabeth. Yeah. Well! Fuck you, buddy!” Elizabeth yells. Then tolls like a Tibetan bell, “Ooh! Giant Party Velociraptor Fuck Me Pumps! I like your shoes! And, y’all are so adorable in your little superhero costumes.”
“Yeah! With the fireworks effect, bitches!” We hear Auntie Layla barking, “What!
Next ag-what da-pho a brinca brinca…
…I don’t read that Periwinkle gibberish shit. And. Way ova dere. Oh hell no! I ain’t walkin no way ova dere.
From here we can see the disco lights flashing from Molly’s aunt Layla’s matching rhinestone covered cowgirl hat and bubbles streaming over the bamboo meander to the Space Walk entry.
The queen is on her way. Open says me! This green house is big as fuck. Layla is scrutinizing every detail of the dull antique red bounce house, “This a forreal forreal Moonwalk? Dang! Y’all opening in an hour? Huh! You need somebody to clean that bad boy out before y’all let little people get up in there.
Girl, one time I…”
Turning into the cute little courtyard at the entrance to the antique inflatable amusement. Molly’s shouting, “Auntie Layla! Agbesoke ile brinca brinca! It’s the closest we could get to Bouncy Castle in Yoruba. Long story.”
Layla moans, “My feet hurt like…”
Portia sighs, “Masochistic Trauma response.
Zero Empathy. The two of you. You and what’s her name?”
Molly and I are climbing over his backpack, yelling! So! When’s it opening?
Open! Open!
Open!”
Portia runs in yelling, “Molly…
…Sydney? And you, sir, must be the incorrigible Mister gigantic A hole Alien Babasaur. I’ve read about you.”
Layla sighs, “Fuck Me…
…Bubbles.”
Molly says, “Portia! Her name is Elizabeth.” The Alien Babasaur has been standing on this little square of bath towel way too long, saying to everyone that asks, “After the Grape Queen comes, to do the white sock test.”
I say, “Anyway, that one is about a week old. They still make them. But you’re right. We had it sanitized and all evidence of adult activity cleaned out. Hi, I’m Molly’s friend, Sydney Seddit. President of the Babysitters’ Club, Gender Defense Squad.”
When the full membership pours out from behind their adults. Boy Jorge calls to order the first in person meeting of the Haters’ Club Gender Defense Squad.
While someone signs, and their phone apps translate, I sing, “Alien Babasaur, it is our profound joy and stuff to introduce you to this week’s Gender Defense Squad Grape Queen of the Bouncy Castle:
In the role of Ebonesha Scrooge, Queen of the TarTar All-Star Furniture Collection, Miss Millicent Davenport.
He takes off his cap and smiles, “Hi girls. Five thousand two hundred thirty seven dollars, and sixty three cents.” Hands over a cloth bag filled with money, “Queen Millicent, I present the Booty.”
Layla, hisses an exasperated sigh, “I hate you.” He continues, “Layla. Whatupdoh. I found a Kennedy, a two dollar bill, some bills and coins from countries that no longer exist, five gold Loonies, a steel penny, a Krugerrand and about a dozen yellow spinners. I’m keepin’ them.” He waves. “It’s not the same one, but you know, Pho Ghee Gee’s…
…Why don’t you get off my back and read your Auntie the ride rules, while I say hello to Miss Portia.”
I Shout, “Present Socks.” He does the Haters’ Hand Jive, and says, “Hey Ya!” I continue my proclamation, “The Alien Babasaur reports six pairs of size twelve white cotton socks were used to get the damned thing done.” We take his backpack and vest, climb down and recite the back of his tee shirt.
TheHaters’Club, Gender Defense Squad’s
Alien Babasaur
da most funnest ride in the park
AKA: The someone called the old man you’re climbing all over like a jungle gym an asshole ride
ISILUMKISO! That means WARNING!’
He says, “She can google translate the rest of it, just like we did.”
Layla says, “Asshole.”
We continue reading, “Okongeziweyo
Engaphandle
Komhlaba
Utatomkhulu
Idayinaso
Royal CLEANER OF THE BOUNCY CASTLE
Next Bouncy Castle Way over there.
NCEDA KHULULA IZIHLANGU ZAKHO.
Ndiyenza ngcwele.
Ukukhwela oku umva, kufuneka ube yi-avatar eyaziwayo jikelele kaThixo endikholelwa kuye.
Okanye, AKUKHO ngaphezu kwe-1 mitha (3.33 intshi ubude.)
The Grape Queen signals him to kneel. Plunks him on the crown with her magic twanger. Takes the socks off his hands and says, good enough Baba.
Thank you.
You may go eat.
The Space Walk Bouncy Castle is open!
Let the Bouncining Begin!
Your shirt reads the same thing in Xhosa. I want one! Girl, I like your Detroit.
Molly, Girl. We are going to par tae!”
