Last Friday, Periwinkle took me to the weekly studio backlot dinner at Andy Three point, oh’s Noodlee Tuesday at Da Hoegaarden number two. 

I notice this big dark sexy woman coming our way, he says, “Here, Umm.” hands me a bunch of 45 adapters turns in the other direction and just disappears on me and Martha.

As we’re walking in I’m reading the sign, “Beef Strokin’ Off. Milk fed, free range farm raised Yearling Holstein bull stroganoff over Greenfield Noodle Company egg noodles with Michigan Morels, three select mushrooms and locally grown veggies. One yellow spinner.” I’m checking the big sexy out and thinking, she can get it.

Periwinkle’s boy, Blue eyed Jay raised and slaughtered ‘President Camacho’, the bull whose photos are posted all over the lot and the haters club are serving for the occasion. 

I was pissed off that they were just giving it to people for free. It would’ve easily been fifty dollars a bowl at a fancy downtown restaurant.

Da Hoegarden number two is a garden to table restaurant that sits in the fenced off parking lot of an old grocery store. Noodlee Tuesday is the street side walk up service window.

While the building was being rehabbed, the Haters covered the roofs with bubbles made of reclaimed lumber and plastic pipes and skinned with quilts made of all kinds of things people throw away; old vinyl banners, discarded tents, winter coats, and rain gear fabric. The haters use the winter coat stuffing to filter harvested rainwater that they restructure through gasifiers and biochar.

So, instead of giving food away like a soup kitchen, Noodlee Tuesdays take participation tokens the haters pay for neighborhood rubbish collection. People trade tokens for food and stuff sold behind the bulletproof glass in his boy Dee’s Community Free Store. He says buying things makes poor people feel better.

The garden is an Orangery (a really fancy greenhouse) surrounded by the haters’ club collection of old suvs and minivans that have been converted into tiny cabins. 

In the cold seasons, the Haters use the engines to turn generators that power the buildings’ utilities and housing for production crews. 

The haters rent out surplus trucks and vans as hostel apartments. I’m still trying to figure out how the legally get away with it.

Da Hoegarden number one. 

How Da Hoegardens got their name, Da Hoegarden number one was the parking lot of the decommissioned church cum after school recreation center, called ComMUnion Hall. (Community Maker Union) and an abandoned gas station turned into public restrooms and a community free store (except the stuff behind the bullet proof glass. The haters pay the bathroom attendants really well. Because Periwinkle says, “People just nasty”) 

The children can learn how to make their own smartphones, tablet computers, grow things, sew and all kinds of stuff they can sell for a profit. After learning that the WTF night (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) Adult Pizza Slush and pedal bar simulators (Free slice of pizza and refill of alcoholic granitas in distillery branded sponsored commemorative 21 ounce 3D printed recycled “PIMP” [Public Intellectuals w/Moral Principles] cups for every ten miles pedaled. It’s about a jigger an hour.) The PIMP cups were used to incentivise parents to bring their children to the center and were the trigger mechanisms for a terribly organized prostitution syndicate’s attempt to take over the center’s operation. 

Because it was too popular and morally debauched there, Periwinkle had it shut down and turned into a shelter for homeless children and their families.

Rumor has it that Periwinkle had the ring leaders fed to wild boar hogs that were made into the world’s most expensivest dog food. The pedal bars generated massive amounts of electricity. 

The haters used the energy credits to pay winter light bills for about a dozen seniors and disabled individuals.

I found out that after about six weeks the shelter’s children are able to make the downpayment for their own barndominum homes that the haters construct and sell.

I was mad enough to shoot Periwinkle when I learned that the haters sold Da Hoegarden number three as a work of art for about half billion dollars. 

It was the parking lot of a shopping plaza covered with reclaimed PV and homemade hot water solar panels to make carports and raised bed container gardens. 

The haters use the bio gases from composting and gasifiers to fuel their collection of luxury SUVs, camper and conversion vans that generated electricity for the complex and the featured art pieces; Special Class Cheese and The Iron Pimps. A collection of transit and decommissioned school buses made into product specific maker spaces. 

 The new owners tried to sue the Haters after the facilities were shut down by paramilitary forces hired by the utility companies for “illegally” distributing energy to the neighborhood for less than the utility company sold it. The buyers didn’t know the haters were giving away their surplus energy until the grid failed and nobody except the utility company noticed there had been an outage.

They bought it because of the ShinyThings shopping club and Pho Ghee Geez, Adult Contemporary Amusement Center. The soundstage where the haters TV series Wha Da Pho was recorded, was a real money earning thing. I actually spent a couple hours playing Drake’s Pawn Shop Duck Pond Game.

I didn’t know I could get tired of winning. But the prizes were the shit! I won a $500 diamond bracelet, flat screen tv, a two year old used car and a bunch of shit.

I was all cool and the gang, until it was time to pay the taxes. I left all that shit right there. Except the bracelet. I kept it and gave it to somebody for Christmas or something.

After Periwinkle bought the plaza back at discount and registered it as a utility company, he turned it into a Senior Center and the most expensivest food court in the world. 

Anyway, Da Hoegarden number two has these big pretty pinwheels on the roof and all the lamp poles. I got pissed again when I found out they generate electricity too. 

Inside the former grocery store is a parkscape with tabletop vegetable garden beds where all the checkout aisles used to be.

There’s a skatepark and kiddie sized boulder climbing wall gym covered with fruit vines. I watched a yellow meat watermelon fall on this guy’s head and burst. He was so happy. I tried a piece and thought about climbing the wall myself. It was so good.

They’ve got a building block waterfall they use to wash Lego, two anger bars, Sun’s smash-n-giggle and Katie’s Kaboom! A rage room like nothing I’ve even imagined. I was so mad at him, I learned how to make explosives and blew up a bunch of shit. 

I was less mad at him after my Angry Black Woman paint explosion canvas sold for about a thousand dollars.

Yesterday, I went around picking up trash and throwing it in the solar powered shredders until I earned enough Glitter to buy a pair of hand painted shoes and a few red spinner tokens, so I could treat my girls from New York to Pho Cue (his boy Mike’s Vegan Pho with three day roast pork belly) at Noodlee Tuesday.  

We were coming into the lot, passing the menu board and my girl Shirl was saying, “Soup of the Day, Mike’s Vegan Pho with three day roast pork belly, two hundred dollars or one red 45 adapter. Damn! That’s the most expensivest soup I’ve ever heard of. I gotta try it.”,  when I saw Periwinkle, walking away and throwing handfuls of the tokens into the air above this crowd of children, laughing, “Now go get paid my babies!” 

I hate him.